a leading indicator

from my dental hygenist

When she asked how my flossing was going, I held up my hand. Flat palm stiff fingers and that probably would have been enough but the overstimulation and the overwhelm met right there and joined together and I replied:

“I am literally doing my best, I cannot do any more. I don’t need any feedback about this. Please stop.”

She is a dental hygenist and I was, in fact, at the dentist for a cleaning so realistically she was fully within her rights to ask.

And I said that to her in what I’d describe as a ‘tone.’

This was a kind woman doing the duties of her job but in that moment in this timeline all I could do was defend my nervous system. I was, by global standards, polite but terse. I was, by Midwestern standards, rude.

This was a leading indicator of how my week was going of how things are feeling of what I need right now.

She, being professional and similarly Midwestern, said:

“Got it, that’s totally ok. I was going to say, things look good, but I get it.”

Ope. Sigh. Thanks, I guess. She probably, in all likelihood, does get it.

This moment was full of information about what I needed to do next.

Things like: lay down. Lay low. Take a deep breath. Take a walk. Take a sedative. Take a moment to think about what I’ve done.

This reality required me to do so many other things instead.

Things like: get on a meeting. Make a grocery list. Drop the kids off. Pick the kids up. Pay the electric bill. Call my representatives.

This moment was full of information about what I needed to do next so I went home that night and flossed instead.